The Cushion Just Din Burst - 37th Week

It's my 37th week, my last 2 days at work. Did alot of walking, so many pains, walking up the mountainous roads on campus, still, Eliza has not burst to birth! haha... Thought i should have a last shot before i go flat again hahaha... din realise i looked like i had a cushion under my tshirt! Does it look round enough to be convinced it's a girl!???

Final Trimester. Awaiting Arrival of Eliza.

36 Weeks. Eliza's head went UP again after the scan was done at last checkup. Cesarean is planned. 18 February 2009 will be the day.

Looking ahead. Thoughts came to my mind. It will be a great change after next week. Another member joins the family to make up perfect 4. Is kdenn going to accept Eliza as sibling dearest sister of his? Is he loosing his proud king majesty's moments and properties? Is he loosing love from his dearest parents? Will mummy lost him further as time goes by? Suddenly i felt how dear he is to me, i cannot afford to lost the track with him. I want him to be everything, have everything and learn and develop in the best that life should be. He is the smartest in my eyes, the one with wisdom and will in everything, the most sensible senses i ever can imagine. Even though he may be slow in certain developments, but he is unique in many areas i can see. I know i need to give more time to nourish another baby for the time being, but i cannot afford to let loose kdenn's growth too. I know it's gonna be double hard double struggle after next week. I need to build up my health again. So that i do not loose track to both children of mine. Counting the blessings, i have a supporting husband, though i need to remind him of the senses in life and bring his life condition UP UP UP at most times of life. Now i am going to have Eliza and Kdenn to build up and develop them to unique individuals of the future. I know that i have to sacrifice for time and efforts so that i can see the fruits of labour in 10 years time, 20 years and more.

I must strive on, so that i can enjoy the fruits 20years from now, which i will be 50 by then. Thoughts will be with darling then. Enjoying the fruits in 20yrs time with darling, seeing Kdenn and Eliza grow up to blend with the society to build their own future and life. They must be independent by then, create their own future, fight for their own dreams, achieve their own fruits and i shall not be bothered much by them, and continue my path of life. That will be it.

For now, back to time, chant chant chant! Eliza to come healthily, beautifully and perfect for mummy and daddy!

32 weeks.

Had constipation. Could not open bowels for a week. Went to the clinic. Had a pump to open bowels.... successfully. Surprisingly, was admitted because of too much contractions. To me, the baby was merely kicking, rolling vigorously, din know it was part of contractions. Doctor gave two jabs to strengthen the baby's lungs, incase there is labour pain for delivery. Admitted for 2 days. Found out i had urinary infection too! Given capsules to reduce the contractions. Given lactus to open bowels smoothly. Test my urine 3 times!! gosh... Keep generating the chart displaying bb's heartbeat and contractions. So fast her heartbeat: over 180 whenever she's rolling or moving. So many contractions. BUT but but... no pain. no labour pain. No bleeding. fortunately.
Now back home discharged. Got to rest rest rest. 4 weeks more before anything like delivery can happen. Have to keep low. Continue medications. Got to finish up getting ready all the essentials. And then be ready for arrival of Eliza Chen Ying Ern, anytime!!!
Cheers!

Buddhahood at home

Finally got the right butsudan that matches exactly as the place for the Gohonzon.

Finally got you! Went all over whole island, waiting and searching and looking, finally... the right kind of shelving, as i desired, the right size as it can fit in our small home, in the right colour that goes well with the top Gohonzon home we bought for!!! Next, will be the table accessories to go with the chanting procedures.... the gong, and the water holder will be the essential... targeted to come after the Performance Bonus.... hopefully with abundance of daimoku, we will be able to get good returns, build the place up for chanting, and bring up the lifeforce of all at home, and let the baby arriving grow happily, healthily and ..... let the power of gohonzon spread to my m-i-l ;)

The Weight Difference...

me in October (19 weeks) and now... 30 weeks (December)

...In Memory of Uncle Bernard

It's been 13 days since Uncle Bernard left us. He passed away peacefully in hospital on 7 December. I got the message from dad while we were busy at Punggol. It was a sooner or later thing. I got the feeling... and was waiting for it to happen. Suddenly i felt a stone dropped to the bottom of my heart. As i saw the message on my phone, i kept thinking about his face. In fact, i kept thinking about his smiles when we met, the way he talk to us, the jargons he will use, the happiness he owns, and the honour he lives with...

I remember the first time we met, he invited all of us, all the uncles and aunties, a first family reunion, to his club's karaoke room. That's the first time i saw dad's real siblings, all the similar features on their faces, and fantasized at how dad resembles him!! He heard my singing, though i couldn't remember much what we chat about, but definitely it was a great gathering for the family.

The second time we met, he invited dad and mum, my brother and my family, to the japanese restaurant (at his club again) at Jurong Country Club. I came to know he plays golf really intensively, actively, daily, happily, gosh.... nothing but golf!! As if no need to work! hahaha... And that was when we could have a closer chat together, her daughter Aileen was there too... my cousin... the sweet smiling chubby fair face i can always remember...

And surpisingly, the last time i met him was at my wedding dinner, at the chinese restaurant, took some photos together... and thereafter, we did not have chance to meet each other already... When was my wedding?? 29th January 2005, that was like... 3 years ago?? yeah...

Then as a was working in NUS, my previous manager brought us to the club for lunch a couple of times, and his gf happen to know Uncle Bernard as well... and we could not catch him at the two times when we were there. He was busy at the Golf Course... well and i remembered he mentioned he will want to see me again at another scheduled lunch at the club!!.... and that will never happen again... anymore....

This year he suddenly found out that he had cancer in his pancreas, and not realising it until it was at third stage... thus it was not curable... after careful thoughts, he went to Guangzhou for therapy there and got it cured. But that did not end his suffering. After he came back and went for followup checkup at the hospital, he realised his liver was infected this time... guess it was due to the treatment, it affected the liver instead. Once again, his spirits went down below earth again. I can imagine he must have lost hope totally, and break into tears and hate life forever... but yet i could feel he must have also thought so much that he accepted it and quietly... with no choice. He was told he had 3 months left. This time my tummy was getting bigger...

Due to his health, i could not find convenience to see him alot like Uncle Eric and dad and mum. I could only stay at home and hear from them. But when i heard from Uncle Eric one day that he was in deep pain and brought to hospital, i felt i want to see him again. Fortunately darling and I were able to make it to see him and had a short chat with him. I can never forget how much weight he lost, and how skinny he became, from that muscular, tanned golfer. That was the last time i saw him... alive.... in bed...

The next time i visited him was at the wake, the day before the funeral. Again, because of my tummy, i could not attend the funeral... but i wish he knows that my heart is with him...
I agree with Uncle Freddy (dad's younger brother) that we were all glad that his suffering moments were short... and i strongly believe he must have felt disappointed with life as he was still at his peak of golf, peak of life, peak of retirement?? or peak of everything.... rich, good life... gosh... and suddenly all these have to come to a stop...

And cousin Aileen must have been suffering alot too, she lost so much weight, became model-liked skinny now... and i m impressed by dad's family as all of them were courageously accepting these facts....

It is now all memory... i do not want to forget his face. I wonder if he can see me as i can't see him... though we were not too close, but i could feel the family bond with him, which i did not think it ended so fast....

it was really unpredictable...

20 weeks: My favourite Cravings...

Laksa Yong Tau Hu: Had it consecutively for several days since we moved in to the new office. Even before that, i love it and always trying to stop thinking about laksa, and even better is the Yong Tau Hu Laksa hahaha!! love the little spicy and the fillings of the taupok and fishcake and tao gay inside wahhhh.....yummy!


Roti Prata (plain): Liked it with especially nice curry gravy wow!!! Had it almost every time i spend my wkend mornings at Punggol. Will call hubby to get for me, fortunately we had a good chef at the Koufu in Punggol Plaza who makes great pratas and dosei!! Curry is good too! So,... had it many times also!!.... yah... part of my cravings... CURRiessss heeheeehee...

Yes! Red Cut Chilli in Soya Sauce: Kind of asking for it every time i sit in for a meal of noodles, be it dry or soup!! Red cut chilli is the "main dish" "must-haves"!!

Sotong Fried: Super nice! Super must everytime i have chance to order it haha.... this was from Swensons at Changi Airport Terminal 3. NOT BAD!!! The pepper in it... shiok!! and the crispy skins...

Indian titbits: Loved it but seldom have chance to have it. Had this at the office staff tea during the Deeparaya celebrations... can't stop once i start!!

12 weeks...

It's my 3rd pregnancy.

From the 8th week, it was torturing. Now and then was nausea, all i could think of is wanting to lie down. You can imagine how hard working in the office can be then! towards the end of the first trimester, and transiting to the next, the vomitting quota started. The daily quota is 1-2 throws. gosh! grose, i know hahaha... but it was bad if i kept telling myself to keep keep keep. BUT if i dare to throw out, i will drop to tears for a moment, and feel so much better after that. Eating habits had a change in timing. To fit into my morning sickness hours, i have to eat before i feel nausea. And so, sometimes if the morning sickness lasts throughout, i can go without meals! My tummy is bloated all the time. My tastebuds go for hotstuffs all the time. I love red cut chilli and real good curry (now, not before). There is a total change in choosing food. I hate the taste of milk powder, and i wanna puke everytime i drink milk.

My first checkup scan says the baby is fine. There is a cystic space with some accumulation of blood, thus it was said a high chance of miscarriage, still. The expected DD was said to be 2nd March 2009. Though i dare not think far, but i keep the daimoku going for the baby to have the buddha lifeforce and wisdom to grow and live healthily, and see him/her soon!

Towards the 2nd trimester now, i have to get back to work. i've NO MORE medical leave to rest for!!! OMG! i know how much rest i need, but looking at this, i have not much choice. i just have to leave to Gohonzon. Eventually, i know, what's for me will be with me. Just hope the baby will be good! And i have to get back to my working desk. Although i have alot of unhappiness irritating me all the time, i really just can't help it but feel agitated. Sometimes, may hurt people around me... haiii... hope i get back to normal SOOoooN!!! this week, no more vomitting as yet, hopefully it is subsiding!!

this is real unique child for me.

When i had the first one, it was great! I could still run around actively and happily enjoying everyday! All i do is to think of what to eat NEXT! hahaha....

The 2nd one din last, as it din grow well, and ended in a threatened abortion at 12th week.

i can't imagine i have to live this for 6 more months, if the morning sickness don stop, if the tiredness and restlessness don end, i can't imagine how can i pick myself back again after that!!

Dear friends, remember to bring me back after that hor!!!

hahahahaa....

byebye to good old days

i remember my first days here working, saw my big cubicle, so contented, so happy, sooo.... shiok. coz i never had such a nice cubicle to hide in hahaha, and never thought i will ever come to such an environment to work haha... yes, with 2 monitors joined to a super wide screen, so can have two windows to work on at the same time. Nice Altec Lansing speakers for me to play my favourite "must-haves": MUSIC and more music, songs, soundtracks, techno (when convenient), and a phone to oneself. this is what we all get in this office. you mouth should go wider "wow" if i tell you this is only a MA cubicle (that's me). If you are manager, you get a bigger one lor! How good life this may be right? yeah... and...it's been two and half years, working in this cubicle, so many happiness, unhappiness, sadness, emotions, joy and laughter. When Kdenn comes, he will sit on MY chair and pretend to be sooooo interested in working on the computer! and i've collected so many of kdenn's photographs over the 2 years, and u can't imagine how packed the walls of this cub is, also with my favourite movie pages extracts, and so many figurines and well, gifts, toys etc...

it's gonna end, yeah... the days are ending... the office is moving, our department is moving into the new building, said to be bigger, BUT, it's bigger in area, NOT bigger in cubicle la.... no such bigger space for all my toys and figurines, posters and photographs as all are low 1.2m cub walls ONLY, supposedly, from the floor plan, i will have no more privacy and comfort like such, no more highly-walled cubicles like now, thus no more luxury/cosy like now. will be facing a networking area with sofas, so what can i be looking forward to!? noise? crowd, people walking around here and there around my cubicle which is facing the walkway? Objectively, you can see the disability to concentrate at design work(s), thinking processes during serious required working hours, obviously no quiet thinking space. But but but... if i have to think positively, it's an open space with lots of open ideas and lots of sharing of happiness (or unhappiness), no secrets, no hiding, no escaping from work... GOSH! cannot eat snake at all!... cannot MIA hahaha...
so... no matter what, we ARE moving! so? just look ahead, and accept what it's goin to happen...

i've decided...

i saw how a father leaves his girl aside. i saw how the father protects his son beside him. i just seen through. i was too slow, correct. So slow, always choose to believe i m his unique daughter. When i asked for something, he chose to keep quiet and or delay. When i finally took action, he asked why. i spoke. and i threw it right on his face. He was just....biased.
i've decided... darling and i has always been working hard for the family. We gave our best respect and regards to him. i gave him money every month, like other children did. When he thinks i made a mistake, he chased for reason and explanation. But when he realised it was his son who did it, he silent. full-stop. i get everything, but he gets nothing.
darling ever said. father doesn't like us doing washing at home. we are using too much from him. i did not get him... but.... now i can feel it.
Nobody knows.... it's not that i did not want to follow darling's will, to move. we r still paying debts. our house is not well equipped enough to allow us to move in. no washing machine. no fridge. no mattress. only managed to make up the living room. and we ended up in debts. we have to clear bit by bit before we can fill up the rest of the necessaries. therefore, we had to stay on.
i did not want to move, also because, over here, i m already overwhelmed with lots of housework, washing kdenn's clothes, packing and many packing everyday, so many things to look after, gosh, i cannot imagine how hard my life would be if i have to live alone, without mum's help to look after kdenn when i m busy with work. OR when i m tired or super exhausted. i give mum most of my savings, and last bit to dad, hoping they appreciate my love for them. i did not expect dad to be still sticking to his super traditional brains!
we intend to move. since we are expecting another kdenn's sibling to come soon, we intended to move. no choice. we have to buck up. even though we have to add more debts, i try hard to earn more from freelance, hoping i can cover everything we need to. hoping to get kdenn a bed to sleep in, and another one at least for both of us. other things come later. of course we need to count in our fridge and washing machine, which is really essential now. i remember i still owe mum some money too.... i was sad. dad asked me whether i have return. why. why do i have to face such a brother. he do not need to give his parents money, and he earns so much more than me. he is also not married. i have so many expenses to carry, but i have to give them, out of my heart. i have nothing left. why is he enjoying instead! i despised him. therefore, we decided to leave. do not want to see his face, do not want to see him good-for-nothing!
if only...
if only we have the money to get the essentials we need, and we can move right away!
if only we can have money to clear our debts, and give mum the money i owed her, and we can move right away!
if only i can have more money for kdenn to have more protection and better life...
money forever not enough....sometimes i wish someone would provide for me, just like he needs to, and can save me from all these troubles and unhappinesses.....
so sad...
month after month, debts never end. i never shop. i never spend unnecessarily. i m saving like MAD! but still, i m not being appreciated.