i've decided...

i saw how a father leaves his girl aside. i saw how the father protects his son beside him. i just seen through. i was too slow, correct. So slow, always choose to believe i m his unique daughter. When i asked for something, he chose to keep quiet and or delay. When i finally took action, he asked why. i spoke. and i threw it right on his face. He was just....biased.
i've decided... darling and i has always been working hard for the family. We gave our best respect and regards to him. i gave him money every month, like other children did. When he thinks i made a mistake, he chased for reason and explanation. But when he realised it was his son who did it, he silent. full-stop. i get everything, but he gets nothing.
darling ever said. father doesn't like us doing washing at home. we are using too much from him. i did not get him... but.... now i can feel it.
Nobody knows.... it's not that i did not want to follow darling's will, to move. we r still paying debts. our house is not well equipped enough to allow us to move in. no washing machine. no fridge. no mattress. only managed to make up the living room. and we ended up in debts. we have to clear bit by bit before we can fill up the rest of the necessaries. therefore, we had to stay on.
i did not want to move, also because, over here, i m already overwhelmed with lots of housework, washing kdenn's clothes, packing and many packing everyday, so many things to look after, gosh, i cannot imagine how hard my life would be if i have to live alone, without mum's help to look after kdenn when i m busy with work. OR when i m tired or super exhausted. i give mum most of my savings, and last bit to dad, hoping they appreciate my love for them. i did not expect dad to be still sticking to his super traditional brains!
we intend to move. since we are expecting another kdenn's sibling to come soon, we intended to move. no choice. we have to buck up. even though we have to add more debts, i try hard to earn more from freelance, hoping i can cover everything we need to. hoping to get kdenn a bed to sleep in, and another one at least for both of us. other things come later. of course we need to count in our fridge and washing machine, which is really essential now. i remember i still owe mum some money too.... i was sad. dad asked me whether i have return. why. why do i have to face such a brother. he do not need to give his parents money, and he earns so much more than me. he is also not married. i have so many expenses to carry, but i have to give them, out of my heart. i have nothing left. why is he enjoying instead! i despised him. therefore, we decided to leave. do not want to see his face, do not want to see him good-for-nothing!
if only...
if only we have the money to get the essentials we need, and we can move right away!
if only we can have money to clear our debts, and give mum the money i owed her, and we can move right away!
if only i can have more money for kdenn to have more protection and better life...
money forever not enough....sometimes i wish someone would provide for me, just like he needs to, and can save me from all these troubles and unhappinesses.....
so sad...
month after month, debts never end. i never shop. i never spend unnecessarily. i m saving like MAD! but still, i m not being appreciated.