缘分

缘分是谁也无法控制，要或不要的珍贵东西。
一旦错过了，即使多么努力，再也不可能挽的回。
即使再回头，一切都不如从前了。
最后，泪尽一切依就是空也的。
很痛很痛。

遗憾

So, what lies beneath us?
What is left between us?
Does it mean after i have done the job nicely to help you get on with your work, u shall continue to be cold and we are back to strangers?
也许你身边围绕着太多数不清的朋友了，而我算什么！没钱没名也就自然没分吧！
到今天为止，我还想不通，你所谓的后悔到底是指什么。。。因为我还是没有任何悔恨，所以仍然想不出，后悔的理由。但，心里却有些遗憾，感觉上，你好像误会了我对你的批评！当时我把你和他比较，记得你误会了我对你的敬爱还有高判和赞美。。。为什么却没有洗清这份误会呢...为何不再有机会。。。。

三十一岁的'经'典

帮助我的他人，给于如此奥妙的分享，是这一生无法忘掉的遗憾...
三十一岁生日将是这辈子最特别，最贵重，最难忘的经验...

生命何处寄
无语问苍天

良言一句三冬暖
恶语伤人六月寒
是非审之于己也
毁誉听之于人也

假作真时真亦假
话到喉头暗暗然
无为有时有还无
隐忍吞声嘤嘤然

千言万语不堪论
旧日今朝空回首
仰天长叹泪千行
沧海一笑泪无痕

情真意切、心非心
欢声笑语、明非明
怨声载道、事非事
旧时今朝、人非人

累了一切都尽也
尽了一切都空也
空了一切都静也
静了一切都泪也

书不尽言，言不尽意，
特别是感情事，更是笔墨言语所能表达，
唯有一切尽在不言中…

就这样，一切情感的升华随着时间停止而 宁...
从此，不再受到任何关心，回应，不再有任何关系...
难道非要如此残忍才能继续活下去吗？
朋友不如、回到原点，但，心情再也不如往日那么简单了...
这份阴影，该怎么放得下？

how do u like this

How do you like my latest product?

---namecard design

In the world of Chinese Medicine or chinese herbs, the road that chinese took to realise the power of these healing power. The knowledge that they gained and curing generations of humanity. The roots that they develop their ancestors, the depth of life's sufferings one generation after another... tells the story and the depth of one's own life and history or background. The challenges and struggles that life portrays, which allows humanity to develop, grow in their knowlege, wisdom and perspective, is all i want to say in this proposed namecard design.

inspiration for namcard design needed!!

i need inspiration for a new namecard design... for somebody who is ver important to me, somebody whom i do not want to disappoint, somebody whom i owe my gratitude to.... i need inspiration for his perfect eyes.... high hopes and tastes of perfection.... so hard lor!!! haiii.... sighs... so difficult leh...!!!

first exam experience

i had my first examination experience since after O levels.... in november this year.... in poly, i was in design course and thus there was no written examinations. So, for the first time, i had examinations NOT in school uniforms. I was feeling weird when i thought the day before the first paper, that what should i wear to the examination hall! Because i wonder if it was going to be air-conditioned, and wondered if i would be chased out if i go in bermudas and slip-ins hahahaa.... well, i din realise the times have changed. the authorities sure cannot help it where kids nowadays go to tertiary schools in hot shorts and slippers!!! ---i always wonder: AREN'T they COOOOLD!!!???? sigh....

i was so ready for my first paper - BUS101:Organisational Behaviour ---and i was so disappointed. because i could not finish all the questions. I already scribbled through and yet i did not manage to finish all the questions in time!! I could not get the answers out from my mind at the nervous and frightening exam moment!!! I needed to cool down. but there was no time to THINK!!!

So after the first experience, i know that i have NO TIME to think for the next two papers. no use studying so hard la.... because it all depends on how fast information come to my mind to scribble the answers through!!! .... Eventually, guess after the first ever exciting experience, i manage to finish my second paper on time -- and managed to even redo a question instead!! -- and the last paper on Quantitative Methods, management was not as difficult as OB, and the last paper was much better than first two.

Hopefully, i really wish i could pass all the papers ---- now no even need to think about flygin colours!!! :*( really hard!~!!! .... pass can already....
And i was glad, after the challenges and struggles i had for the Academic Writing assignment at the beginning about the submission, i managed to score 79 for my final assignment. I m really happy and proud of myself hahahah :P

I realised many things that we wish for or have high hopes on, it turns out to be the other way..... why!!??? i thought i will score the highest or do best in OB, instead i think i will be getting better results for the worst subject i m weakest in... QM!!!

Let's see....

哥哥永远在我心...

曾经是好同事，他好像哥哥疼我关心我。
我们是设计师...一起工作...
五年前因为得了癌症，回了马国，和家人孩子一起度过。
没想到已经过了那么久...上个星期四突然收到消息，他离开了...

他送我的二十一岁生日礼物，手链一直我都戴在身上365天没有离开过我。
没想到，今年我脱下了，收着而没有戴着了，他的病情恶化了...
结果离开了...

哥哥永远在我心...
你几时来看我？ :(

so near and yet so far...

For once i feel somebody so close to my heart, and want to befriend with, with lots of envy and respect for. For once i feel the same thing to only one person. And for such a long time fate has never brought us any closer. Was there a waiting all these while? Was there been a quiet wait? Is it worth the wait? Will i get to be her friend someday in the years to come? Finally i was able to express these thoughts to her last night. I feel a bit at ease. Even though destiny is what is going to be, i have no regrets. Like i said to her, it takes two hands to clap. It takes both hearts to last too! All i can feel is that she is somebody i want to be with, talk to, shopping mate, dining friend, chatter partner, family sharing.... but always so near to me and yet so far to get close to her heart :)

Perhaps one day down the years when i get myself there, almost there, to the same level as her, in terms of lifestyle, standard of living, spending power level, achievement level.... perhaps there is chance for us to tag together! But as i move forward, she is advancing too! Or... perhaps, i am forever only a shadow behind her :).....

Painful deepful thoughts

Somebody comes to me and gives me memories and then takes the train off and leaves, what is left behind are just memories and doubts. Thoughts that can never be answered. Regrets that can never be atoned. What to do if you have words to say? No need to say anymore. Swallow it into your stomach. Say it to your heart. Say sorry to your heart. Keep remembering what happened and was given to you. What the objective of the blessing was. What do you gain from it at the end? Do you go forward with it? Yes, for how long can you take it? For how long can you remember every single little thing that happened that you felt was the blessing you experienced in your life... Even though you may not be able to forget, but where do all the thankful words of gratitude and regrets go to.... Can he or she ever hear it again? What do you call this painful thought and deepfelt memories....

The Corporate Ladder Up...

The current me in the midst of climbing many mountains, overcoming hurdles of challenges, in the studies, work and family.

With memories not wanting to let go

With happiness to share

With challenges to conquer

With love to give

With compromise to seek

With understanding to each other

With dreams to fulfill....

苏有朋~擦肩而过

亲手摧毁生命中最珍贵的友情，人生从此有多少遗憾，生命中又有多少期盼...
当一切擦肩而过的时候，你又何尝握紧那双手，好好珍藏每一刻，留下动人的传说...

总是在转身以后,才发现梦已远走
熟悉依旧却隔着遥远的距离
追逐里萍水相逢随青春停停走走
你我的梦随着人潮擦肩而过

天亮的时候,我的心还在梦游
未曾结束昨夜深情的回眸
我终于明白,其实你我都想拥有
在青春路上相互回眸的那一刻

爱情擦肩而过的时候,也曾想要珍惜那悸动
只是握不住彼此不同方向的手
你我擦肩而过的时候,也曾留下动人的传说
是否还能够为我等待为你停留

need a break ~ a brain wash in exact

i wish i can go for a long break. i wish my brain can be washed.... i wish to wash off my pain inside.... sometimes i wish i m not an emotional human. Why can't i be just a metal heart with no feelings? then i will not need to suffer so much pain and aches again and again.

Emo humans are so contradicting. Want to erase certain parts of your memory, but on the other hand can't bear to let it go. Just don wan to let it go. why!? Or is it just me myself!?? Why why why... There is always a home for me i know. No matter where we go, the best place is always your home, your love ones, who are always there for you, and belong to you. These should make one be contented in life....

busy friday to my birthday.... what a 31!!

looking at my long shopping list for tomorrow at Giant. It's a weekly marketing. This time it's for whole week's cooking. Parents are going on 2 weeks holiday. Thus i will be housewife babysitter for 2 weeks. Not able to work then. Maybe hard via remote too...

Considering it's my day soon, and i reconsider what i m going through at this moment now. Dear came back with a runny nose... on a promising friday evening. Sneezing away, covering himself with a mask, stucking his noseholes with crush of tissue papers..... what more can i ask for!! I got to resend some working files for the UM-NUS Golf Souvenir Scrapbook..... while the server is getting slower and slower on this peak friday evening when many are going online....

I got to settle the icecream cake from the big gigantic cake box occupying too much of my little fridge space.... thus spent sometime removing it from the plate and scrapping them into another container that can fit into the freezer. At the same time, keep sending uploading my big big files for the other designer to work on my files....

While all hands are busy, my heart is thinking wild about my birthday present from my colleagues today - a DKNY watch!!! Gorgeous!! but got to resize it at the watch shop first. So this's 2nd after i received a icecream birthday cake last night. I know that dear is trying his best to spend time with me on monday by taking his time off to be with me. Although there is nothing interesting about the programme (as it's not fixed at all) but i m glad enough he can be with me.... i mean, what more can i ask for from a workaholic devoted staff like HIM!!! LOLs... at least, i can get to hold his hands when i walk down the streets on monday.... to anywhere i don mind!! at least i feel loved hehehe....

I guess, with Kdenn's singing birthday song for me, enjoying my icecream cake, hugging me and tell me he is good boy, and gorgeous present from colleagues' efforts, i should be contented enough. But why must i be on the other way blessed with more housework??? becos dear falls sick, i have to now sleep with 2 kids alone, and run the housework by myself.... and be kindest enough to let dear sleep early...... let his nose rest......

I guess i m also lucky and fortunate enough. I found another person protecting me from behind. At this age of 31, how can i be so attractive still!??? i was amazed and shocked by the words he could say to me. Admiring me as a great woman of wisdom. That's how he portrayed his feelings and impression of me. For this time, i was affected. i m really affected.

I guess i am somehow not alone this lifetime. No matter how sad and how down i may go, from now on, i know, there are a few of them, always standing by me. They give me hope, strength, courage and love. I guess my life shall be truly valued, with studies coming up, more work achievements and projects to impress, more jobs to come to me for my freelance, and showering more love to friends and family.... a tie and connection which is so strong that will never break. That's how i feel now... i love it. i like it. i m contented with it. satisfaction is it.

Grand number is 31

i received a surprise birthday present from a special friend tonight. I went downstairs and collect it, and to my surprise it was a icecream cake from Swensons. Wasn't this my last 2 year's birthday wish? I had something similar from Uncle Eric, but in real scooped ice-cream form in a plate, the photo used as my main headbar on my blog here... The cake came and fill up 75% of my freezer liao :S probably, it's time to upgrade to a bigger refrigerator huh!!!??? ....

When Kdenn saw my birthday cake, he was overjoyed. He sang a birthday song for mummy, asked to blow my candles and said to mummy, "我是你的乖孩子！" .... i was amazed and stunned!! for the first time....... hahhahahaha

Although i do not really fancy strawberry flavour, but i m pleased to have my birthday wish answered.... :) yummy.... thank u Uncle William ;)

Male Chauvinist or Not??

i wonder: Will you want a male chauvinist for a husband?? or not?? I think sometimes man can be a little chauvinist, and that actually makes our life as a housewife, feel better u know?
If your male chauvinist husband does not comment much or bother much about how you do your housework, don't you think you will have more freedom and more control over what you want to do at home and set your standards rather than having someone to bossing around his standards meet?? I rather have somebody who will treat me better in other ways, like giving me massage, or giving small surprises to make me happy, a hug before work, a tap on my shoulder when i needed encouragement, or sms me with words that will make me smile.... and not telling me off to throw whatever that's on the table at home, arranging things on my table when i need to see them for a few days, or mop the living room floor with the mop used for mopping the bathroom (*faints) ... or keep digging new rags to wet-clean the fan, table, shelves, aircon, cupboards etc.... (*faints!!!) don't they know many furnitures will get spoilt easier with their wet wet cloths??? Can't they save on the absorbing tissue cleaning wipes by re-using them often???? Can't they clean the windows more gently? Can't they just stop all these nonsense and jus sit down and don touch these la!!!! The shorten the lifespan of the parquet flooring with their wet mops, they moisten the tables and cupboards and shelves with their wet cloths... they create more unhappiness and conflicts with their wives when they start making a fuss over the belongings laid on the table for packing.... why can't they just .... THINK how they can make their wives feel more appreciated, rather than messing things up even farther!???

haiiiii
sighzzzzzz.........

i wish my husband can just help to look after the children, and not bother by how we woman do our housework, or WHEN we do the housework!!! ... and instead, volunteer to massage me after whole day of cooking and housework.... send me a delivery lunch when i almost have nothing to eat in the office.... pop me a text sms wishing me great day at work.... i wish he sees my blog and understand what i m thinking about... haiiii....

a hiding member

i joined jjfc naturally after helping Carol to redesign their jjfc website....

somehow because of his clothes, i naturally created this colour theme.... which sort of blend with my blog header ISN"T IT!!!?? :P :P :P not on purpose ok.... but yeah, i love orange!!....

i feel honoured to be a hiding member hahahaha... doing such tasks, and not able to participate in almost all activities due to family committment, where i will try to in future, and playing his songs on piano, listening to his songs and appreciating his works and understand him better as a person (through carol's sharing).... so much so, i feel more like a hiding devoted member.....

Stress or Guess??

Was wondering whether i m really stressed out lately.... or just my guess of colon problems..... i saw some info about colon cancer and started imagining things, thinking that i may have initial stage experience.....

I told my chinese doctor and he immediately urged me to buy some remedy. i did as he instructed. but still cramping... and wind..... and water..... haiiii...... it's been 2 days..... is it the food i eat?? or is it i just have been thinking too much lately.....

have taken up a freelance job which occupied my late night hours for the past week.
But i have also been doing night reading at night too, also the same timings!
In addition, i guess this year is just a very emotional year for me.
I have many things in my mind.... many feelings in fact. many deep feelings for many pple i encounter this year. Old friends, colleagues, .... memories keep coming back, kept thinking about lots of things. Lots of feelings i should say. Lots of love emotions i should also say. Why am i like that!? Why can't i be more cold towards human relationships? Why can't i stop feeling so sentimentally???

Think before you burn!

THIS MORNING i saw 2 big metal burners downstairs again... they were placed almost at the centre of the road between some blocks. Are they going to burn again? Why why why.... i wish there are panels (like advetisements) telling them, reminding them to think before they burn!!

Why don't they think how the incense papers are produced or made? Aren't they made up by the normal way papers or flyers are made? ... just like all other paper products, paperbags, flyers, books, newspapers etc.... they all come from recycled papers, just printing different designs and imprinting of different buddhist scriptures or pictures or images on it. They are not as if they were being imprinted by the monks or printed by prayers or chants, THEY ARE NOT!!! So, realistically saying, they are just merely burning papers!!! What's the difference between burning those flyers or books and these papers??

Why don't they think how the smoke and ashes causes hazards to many many others around??
Why don't they think how the smoke and air cause hurts/damages the earth? Don't they realise that other people in the other parts of the world are already creating enough hazards burning forests??? The smoke that everyone have to suffer by breathing in, suffocating for some, creating hazy unhealthy air thereafter, aren't they bothered???? None of them are reflecting??? Why why why!???

Yes, in buddhism, there uses to be teachings telling pilgrimages to burn incense sticks, papers etc... for some reasons for some beliefs etc.... but but but things change! Generation changes, lifestyle changes, society changes, our earth temperature global temperature changed!! Din they continue to realise what the latter day of practice will be??? They can't be burning forever definitely!!! That's only killing the earth by the doble speed or even triple!! Why din they read this part about buddhism - to do only if it does not harm the environment, does not harm others and themselves!???? Buddhism is but about daily life isn't it!?? Why did they choose to believe things blindly and not thinking of the consequences??? Why do they follow when they are asked to burn, and why not follow when they are asked by the "earth's requests" NOT to burn anymore??

Everytime i see them burn, i feel super sorry for the earth. i wish somebody can just talk them into stopping burning, and start thinking what does it do!!! If they think that burning is a way to send things to their deceased loved ones, if they think burning papers is a way to atone their sins, DOES it make any sense???? How can the ashes make sense to atone your sins!?? How can the ashes show sincerity!??? How can the smoke be a benefit to the deceased or the ashes or how can ashes be transformed to something their deceased can receive!!!???
How how how!?? Why don't they all think think think!!!

How many years do we have to suffer all these acts that makes no more sense in this latter day of the law!??

I wish the monks at the temples tell them!!! Aren't they feeling something for the earth?? Aren't they practicing for the goodness of human beings? Then if so, why are they killing the earth which is not achieving the goodness of human beings, not helping at all right???

Wake up people wake up!!!

That reminds me of my MIL she is also the "burner" that cause the hazard to earth... haiiiz.... i wish her children can talk her to think of her beliefs again. I wish she can feel what she is burning for!! If only all makes sense to her, and people like her can think wisely before they continue to burn blindly.....

The hidden Love Trap

Why do we fall into the Love trap and be the man's slave for life?
Too late to realise this line.
It's not that we are not willing to fall into the trap.
It's how we will be appreciated even if we have to become the slave for life.
Do we deserve being treated like a fool?
When we talk to them during times of relationship, they treat it as sweet talk, sweetie's talking etc... But after we get married, when we talk, it is direct treatment as "nag". We can't even talk anymore. We can't change them anymore. No advice allowed. No requests allowed. We just do our own businesses. We just do what we are supposed to. Whatever they do, we clear the backend junk DISCREETLY. cannot say NO. cannot complain. cannot say WRONG. cannot ask for improvement. Whatever they NOT do, we will have to do it willingly and quietly. Whatever they do correctly, or whatever they've helped, we MUST say thank you. We must bear all. What are we?

Yes, slaves. Slaves when they choose not to be bothered. Wife when they present you to others. Mother when they need their kids to call upon. Other than that, we are just like a bomb which is forced to delay explosion as long as we can. They can slam, they can scold, they can throw, they can shout, they can beat. But we woman choose to keep. Because we have to protect the young ones around. We have to continue to uphold the greatness of woman- as a mother. We have to cover the unpleasantness of the situation/scenario so that the kids do not get confused and lost. We have to continue to let the lives of the children keep going, positively.

Yes, we shall keep silent. We shall bear all the foolish acts man can be insensible of doing. We shall be the one to give in and take all the sacrifices, for the children. We shall grow old, turn ugly, and give all we can to the goodness of our children. We shall be the backup and firm ground for the children to look upon to, to lean on, and to depend on.... until they are independent enough and be wise on their own. We live on with peers' support, encouraged by friends we treasure, buddies we lean on, elders we trust and share. Even at times we feel like we are at the peak, life will still go on, because they are there. Until many years will go by... we shall then be old and ugly, but proud and free. Looking into the mirror, it's wrinkles and freckles. Out of the house, it's looking for wild plans.

Is this why woman is the great man?
Am i the great man?
Are u the great man?

Life's hard.

Life's hard. So hard.

I feel so badly.

...need to be treated with more patience, understanding, trust, initiative, support, love, kindness and encouragement. NOT impatience, frustrations, anger, foolishness, distrust, selfishness and insensibility.

Quotes for Thought

Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain - and most fools do. But it takes character and self-control to be understanding and forgiving. A great man shows his greatness, by the way he treats little men.

Books read in 2010

Wish to compile the books that i have read in 2010 here...

1. BUDDHISM-Plain and Simple by Steve Hagen (Rating: 9.5/10) January
(Super good book, highly recommended!)
2. What the Buddha Taught by Walpola Rahula (Rating 6.8/10) February
3. ETHICS for International Business by John M.Kline
4. The Dhammapada by Narada (interest Rating 6/10) March
5. A Dialogue Between East and West by Daisaku Ikeda (interest rating 6/10) March
6. How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie (interest Rating 7/10) March-April
7. Contract Law - Layman's Guide by Catherine Tay & Tang See Chim March 2010
8. Marketing Management(Asian Perspective) by Philip Kotler (Rating 8/10) April 2010

First Book completed

I finished my first book for 2010 today. That was to fit into my resolutions set at the start of this year - 2010. I wanted to read more books. I wanted to keep my language improving or at least keep up my writing and spoken english. Yes, probably to start off with english yeah.

Uncle Eric gave me a few books and particularly 2 new books when we met the last time at his place. Suddenly the passion to read just came to me 2 weeks ago and without fail, i read on and on everyday on this book - Buddhism Plain and Simple.

I guess most likely the topic was to my interest and something i was already been taught since young - fundamentals in buddhist practice.

It's hard for me to get on with a book... but this one did.

I learn as i read from the content: The eightfold paths of buddhism: Right Speech, Right Intention, Right Livelihood, Right Effort, Right View, Right Action, Right mindfulness, Right Meditation. The whole process is a practice. It all lies in the right intention and the rest comes in flow. It's reality we need to face and think about. Reality is where we are and what we are; The Relative and Absolute Truths. It was all a revision for me to revitalise and start my challenging year ahead. .... my journey to enlightenment.

I completed it today. so happy. heehee.....

time to get on with the next book!!