Buddhahood at home

Finally got the right butsudan that matches exactly as the place for the Gohonzon.

Finally got you! Went all over whole island, waiting and searching and looking, finally... the right kind of shelving, as i desired, the right size as it can fit in our small home, in the right colour that goes well with the top Gohonzon home we bought for!!! Next, will be the table accessories to go with the chanting procedures.... the gong, and the water holder will be the essential... targeted to come after the Performance Bonus.... hopefully with abundance of daimoku, we will be able to get good returns, build the place up for chanting, and bring up the lifeforce of all at home, and let the baby arriving grow happily, healthily and ..... let the power of gohonzon spread to my m-i-l ;)

The Weight Difference...

me in October (19 weeks) and now... 30 weeks (December)

...In Memory of Uncle Bernard

It's been 13 days since Uncle Bernard left us. He passed away peacefully in hospital on 7 December. I got the message from dad while we were busy at Punggol. It was a sooner or later thing. I got the feeling... and was waiting for it to happen. Suddenly i felt a stone dropped to the bottom of my heart. As i saw the message on my phone, i kept thinking about his face. In fact, i kept thinking about his smiles when we met, the way he talk to us, the jargons he will use, the happiness he owns, and the honour he lives with...

I remember the first time we met, he invited all of us, all the uncles and aunties, a first family reunion, to his club's karaoke room. That's the first time i saw dad's real siblings, all the similar features on their faces, and fantasized at how dad resembles him!! He heard my singing, though i couldn't remember much what we chat about, but definitely it was a great gathering for the family.

The second time we met, he invited dad and mum, my brother and my family, to the japanese restaurant (at his club again) at Jurong Country Club. I came to know he plays golf really intensively, actively, daily, happily, gosh.... nothing but golf!! As if no need to work! hahaha... And that was when we could have a closer chat together, her daughter Aileen was there too... my cousin... the sweet smiling chubby fair face i can always remember...

And surpisingly, the last time i met him was at my wedding dinner, at the chinese restaurant, took some photos together... and thereafter, we did not have chance to meet each other already... When was my wedding?? 29th January 2005, that was like... 3 years ago?? yeah...

Then as a was working in NUS, my previous manager brought us to the club for lunch a couple of times, and his gf happen to know Uncle Bernard as well... and we could not catch him at the two times when we were there. He was busy at the Golf Course... well and i remembered he mentioned he will want to see me again at another scheduled lunch at the club!!.... and that will never happen again... anymore....

This year he suddenly found out that he had cancer in his pancreas, and not realising it until it was at third stage... thus it was not curable... after careful thoughts, he went to Guangzhou for therapy there and got it cured. But that did not end his suffering. After he came back and went for followup checkup at the hospital, he realised his liver was infected this time... guess it was due to the treatment, it affected the liver instead. Once again, his spirits went down below earth again. I can imagine he must have lost hope totally, and break into tears and hate life forever... but yet i could feel he must have also thought so much that he accepted it and quietly... with no choice. He was told he had 3 months left. This time my tummy was getting bigger...

Due to his health, i could not find convenience to see him alot like Uncle Eric and dad and mum. I could only stay at home and hear from them. But when i heard from Uncle Eric one day that he was in deep pain and brought to hospital, i felt i want to see him again. Fortunately darling and I were able to make it to see him and had a short chat with him. I can never forget how much weight he lost, and how skinny he became, from that muscular, tanned golfer. That was the last time i saw him... alive.... in bed...

The next time i visited him was at the wake, the day before the funeral. Again, because of my tummy, i could not attend the funeral... but i wish he knows that my heart is with him...
I agree with Uncle Freddy (dad's younger brother) that we were all glad that his suffering moments were short... and i strongly believe he must have felt disappointed with life as he was still at his peak of golf, peak of life, peak of retirement?? or peak of everything.... rich, good life... gosh... and suddenly all these have to come to a stop...

And cousin Aileen must have been suffering alot too, she lost so much weight, became model-liked skinny now... and i m impressed by dad's family as all of them were courageously accepting these facts....

It is now all memory... i do not want to forget his face. I wonder if he can see me as i can't see him... though we were not too close, but i could feel the family bond with him, which i did not think it ended so fast....

it was really unpredictable...

20 weeks: My favourite Cravings...

Laksa Yong Tau Hu: Had it consecutively for several days since we moved in to the new office. Even before that, i love it and always trying to stop thinking about laksa, and even better is the Yong Tau Hu Laksa hahaha!! love the little spicy and the fillings of the taupok and fishcake and tao gay inside wahhhh.....yummy!


Roti Prata (plain): Liked it with especially nice curry gravy wow!!! Had it almost every time i spend my wkend mornings at Punggol. Will call hubby to get for me, fortunately we had a good chef at the Koufu in Punggol Plaza who makes great pratas and dosei!! Curry is good too! So,... had it many times also!!.... yah... part of my cravings... CURRiessss heeheeehee...

Yes! Red Cut Chilli in Soya Sauce: Kind of asking for it every time i sit in for a meal of noodles, be it dry or soup!! Red cut chilli is the "main dish" "must-haves"!!

Sotong Fried: Super nice! Super must everytime i have chance to order it haha.... this was from Swensons at Changi Airport Terminal 3. NOT BAD!!! The pepper in it... shiok!! and the crispy skins...

Indian titbits: Loved it but seldom have chance to have it. Had this at the office staff tea during the Deeparaya celebrations... can't stop once i start!!

12 weeks...

It's my 3rd pregnancy.

From the 8th week, it was torturing. Now and then was nausea, all i could think of is wanting to lie down. You can imagine how hard working in the office can be then! towards the end of the first trimester, and transiting to the next, the vomitting quota started. The daily quota is 1-2 throws. gosh! grose, i know hahaha... but it was bad if i kept telling myself to keep keep keep. BUT if i dare to throw out, i will drop to tears for a moment, and feel so much better after that. Eating habits had a change in timing. To fit into my morning sickness hours, i have to eat before i feel nausea. And so, sometimes if the morning sickness lasts throughout, i can go without meals! My tummy is bloated all the time. My tastebuds go for hotstuffs all the time. I love red cut chilli and real good curry (now, not before). There is a total change in choosing food. I hate the taste of milk powder, and i wanna puke everytime i drink milk.

My first checkup scan says the baby is fine. There is a cystic space with some accumulation of blood, thus it was said a high chance of miscarriage, still. The expected DD was said to be 2nd March 2009. Though i dare not think far, but i keep the daimoku going for the baby to have the buddha lifeforce and wisdom to grow and live healthily, and see him/her soon!

Towards the 2nd trimester now, i have to get back to work. i've NO MORE medical leave to rest for!!! OMG! i know how much rest i need, but looking at this, i have not much choice. i just have to leave to Gohonzon. Eventually, i know, what's for me will be with me. Just hope the baby will be good! And i have to get back to my working desk. Although i have alot of unhappiness irritating me all the time, i really just can't help it but feel agitated. Sometimes, may hurt people around me... haiii... hope i get back to normal SOOoooN!!! this week, no more vomitting as yet, hopefully it is subsiding!!

this is real unique child for me.

When i had the first one, it was great! I could still run around actively and happily enjoying everyday! All i do is to think of what to eat NEXT! hahaha....

The 2nd one din last, as it din grow well, and ended in a threatened abortion at 12th week.

i can't imagine i have to live this for 6 more months, if the morning sickness don stop, if the tiredness and restlessness don end, i can't imagine how can i pick myself back again after that!!

Dear friends, remember to bring me back after that hor!!!

hahahahaa....

byebye to good old days

i remember my first days here working, saw my big cubicle, so contented, so happy, sooo.... shiok. coz i never had such a nice cubicle to hide in hahaha, and never thought i will ever come to such an environment to work haha... yes, with 2 monitors joined to a super wide screen, so can have two windows to work on at the same time. Nice Altec Lansing speakers for me to play my favourite "must-haves": MUSIC and more music, songs, soundtracks, techno (when convenient), and a phone to oneself. this is what we all get in this office. you mouth should go wider "wow" if i tell you this is only a MA cubicle (that's me). If you are manager, you get a bigger one lor! How good life this may be right? yeah... and...it's been two and half years, working in this cubicle, so many happiness, unhappiness, sadness, emotions, joy and laughter. When Kdenn comes, he will sit on MY chair and pretend to be sooooo interested in working on the computer! and i've collected so many of kdenn's photographs over the 2 years, and u can't imagine how packed the walls of this cub is, also with my favourite movie pages extracts, and so many figurines and well, gifts, toys etc...

it's gonna end, yeah... the days are ending... the office is moving, our department is moving into the new building, said to be bigger, BUT, it's bigger in area, NOT bigger in cubicle la.... no such bigger space for all my toys and figurines, posters and photographs as all are low 1.2m cub walls ONLY, supposedly, from the floor plan, i will have no more privacy and comfort like such, no more highly-walled cubicles like now, thus no more luxury/cosy like now. will be facing a networking area with sofas, so what can i be looking forward to!? noise? crowd, people walking around here and there around my cubicle which is facing the walkway? Objectively, you can see the disability to concentrate at design work(s), thinking processes during serious required working hours, obviously no quiet thinking space. But but but... if i have to think positively, it's an open space with lots of open ideas and lots of sharing of happiness (or unhappiness), no secrets, no hiding, no escaping from work... GOSH! cannot eat snake at all!... cannot MIA hahaha...
so... no matter what, we ARE moving! so? just look ahead, and accept what it's goin to happen...

i've decided...

i saw how a father leaves his girl aside. i saw how the father protects his son beside him. i just seen through. i was too slow, correct. So slow, always choose to believe i m his unique daughter. When i asked for something, he chose to keep quiet and or delay. When i finally took action, he asked why. i spoke. and i threw it right on his face. He was just....biased.
i've decided... darling and i has always been working hard for the family. We gave our best respect and regards to him. i gave him money every month, like other children did. When he thinks i made a mistake, he chased for reason and explanation. But when he realised it was his son who did it, he silent. full-stop. i get everything, but he gets nothing.
darling ever said. father doesn't like us doing washing at home. we are using too much from him. i did not get him... but.... now i can feel it.
Nobody knows.... it's not that i did not want to follow darling's will, to move. we r still paying debts. our house is not well equipped enough to allow us to move in. no washing machine. no fridge. no mattress. only managed to make up the living room. and we ended up in debts. we have to clear bit by bit before we can fill up the rest of the necessaries. therefore, we had to stay on.
i did not want to move, also because, over here, i m already overwhelmed with lots of housework, washing kdenn's clothes, packing and many packing everyday, so many things to look after, gosh, i cannot imagine how hard my life would be if i have to live alone, without mum's help to look after kdenn when i m busy with work. OR when i m tired or super exhausted. i give mum most of my savings, and last bit to dad, hoping they appreciate my love for them. i did not expect dad to be still sticking to his super traditional brains!
we intend to move. since we are expecting another kdenn's sibling to come soon, we intended to move. no choice. we have to buck up. even though we have to add more debts, i try hard to earn more from freelance, hoping i can cover everything we need to. hoping to get kdenn a bed to sleep in, and another one at least for both of us. other things come later. of course we need to count in our fridge and washing machine, which is really essential now. i remember i still owe mum some money too.... i was sad. dad asked me whether i have return. why. why do i have to face such a brother. he do not need to give his parents money, and he earns so much more than me. he is also not married. i have so many expenses to carry, but i have to give them, out of my heart. i have nothing left. why is he enjoying instead! i despised him. therefore, we decided to leave. do not want to see his face, do not want to see him good-for-nothing!
if only...
if only we have the money to get the essentials we need, and we can move right away!
if only we can have money to clear our debts, and give mum the money i owed her, and we can move right away!
if only i can have more money for kdenn to have more protection and better life...
money forever not enough....sometimes i wish someone would provide for me, just like he needs to, and can save me from all these troubles and unhappinesses.....
so sad...
month after month, debts never end. i never shop. i never spend unnecessarily. i m saving like MAD! but still, i m not being appreciated.

From the Time i Wake Up....

From the time i wake up.... till i close my eyes....
since last saturday....
bad morning sickness.... in fact, it's also afternoon, and evening sickness!!
Why they call it morning sickness when it can last you the whole day???
it's really from the moment i wake up, i feel like vomitting... all the way.... till night... when i get home.... it's always no appetite... don know what to eat, nothing much interests me... just try to eat something.... but no urge to eat healthily... bad bad bad... this is bad! i got to start my strict diet which i should!! I m loosing all my activeness, no life! Now and then, everyone hears me complaining tired, exhausted, and lazy to walk around!
This is me now... the lazy nausea kimz!
I think it's a girl!... though i hope, but i m fine with both anyway :)
and it's bloated all the time!... like 4 months... why why why!?? ....twins?? *ops!!!
Anyway, i m thankful for this precious gift!!... must take care!!
---7 weeks---

cravings...

Still about cravings ahahaha! today, i thought about KFC for lunch... the crispy spicy skin and the hot tender meat inside... gosh! can't resist the temptation!! Must have it for dinner!! My latest cravings how come only meat and meat and more meat!!! Yesterday there was durian craving, though i did not manage to eat it... and then had duck drumstick rice for lunch (again)... and today i had Subway burger for lunch, but still thinking hard about my KFC... yes, i think i will have it for dinner!!

I missed my menses, and it was 4th July and i start to count the days, waiting for more days for my menses to be confirmed "not coming". And, it was the sunday 6th, night , that i decided to take the pregnancy test. Jumped to joy, it's a "+"!!!
It's just my little 6weeks old, according to the Dr's calculation at my first consultation yesterday... really hope i will protect my little foetus smoothly this time.... healthily.... sayang...
That's all for now!!

Craving for meat

Had been craving for different kinds of meat lately, i wonder why.... i know i've always love roast duck, but never thought of rewarding myself with that! Few weekends ago i went to the market early one saturday morning and decided to get some roast duck for lunch, and there i started it off! The next weekend i started thinking about it again, and i got it for dinner again!! It was like craving, crazily for roast duck hahhaa... i like the feel of the roasted meat dipped in the sweet and saltish gravy, especially when i reheat it with my own recipe gravy and spread onto the meat on the plate. Delicious! Although sometimes it is tired after chewing so much meat, but it was definitely a "luxury" cum "celebration" hahaha!!!

Then came the Mutton soup craving... kept thinking of the tender mutton in the thick mutton soup!! WOW!! super delicious! This morning i had Mutton soup on my mind again, and so i planned it for lunch!! Successfully my colleagues also were going to the Prata Shop near Kent Ridge Interchange, and so i got the craving achieved!! LOL

Good gracious! Now i kind of getting interested and wondering hard: What is in the Mutton Soup recipe!!!??? IS IT healthy?? or is it just lots of MSG!!?? :S:S:S

And for dinner tonight, i couldn't help looking at the duck drumstick when i tried to pass by a roast meat stall in toa payoh... and even on the way home after i alighted at the bus-stop! BUT eventually, i did not buy, and just walked home for the usual dinner rice packet, to share with kdenn. Then i told my hubby i m dying for duck drumstick (AGAIN) he was like... got mixed up! he thought i was talking about my usual BBQ chicken wing! gosh! he din read my msg properly lor.... so .... anyway, i wan to put this down becos i was touched, after he came home with the duck drumstick, he went out again to seek for me!!... just to satisfy my craving!! PLS! What's into me ah!! aarrrhh!!!..... but then hor.... after he came back 45 mins later, he REALLY got the drumstick i was dying for!! WAAA... muacks dear!!! So the best hor!! hahahhaa.... LOL!!

Now, i m super satisfied with the duck drumstick in my tummy hahahhahahhaa.... and left one more drumstick for tomorrow's lunch duck porridge!!! SHIOK!!!

Tension Headache...

Was down with headache for the past 2 weeks, and it didn seem to get better, though it was not as bad as previous migraines...but i was quite sure this is not migraine...as the pain was still bearable.

I decided to go and consult Dr Lok at King George. My family and grandparents all consult him but i haven been there before. Somehow i thought i need professional advice this time, so i decided to make a trip down.

Dr Lok did a ECG for me and confirmed that my heart was ok. I tried to explain and describe how my headache feels. I thought it might be the radiation on the mobile phone.... but he said not possible... :(

Anyway, we concluded that it must be stress that had depressed me and caused the tension headache. I must have been thinking too hard on alot of things lately.... and with the work loaded on me, we agreed all must have been the cause. Moreover, i always wake up in the middle of the night, every night, and therefore not enough sleeps... don ask me why, coz there is no other reason than checking on the kid sleeping down there lor... sometimes he is cranky, sometimes he wakes up, sometimes he wans milk, sometimes he needs a change of diapers and wet clothings!! So... no choice... as a mother....

So Dr Lok gave me something to relax and demanded that i sleep through the nights.... in order to get better... first 2 days of taking his medication.... quite helpful la... heeheheeee...

i also went to replace my mobile phone batteries... thought the batteries might have been too old, and so maybe causing the trouble of strong radiations.... after that, felt some difference... quite better lor...

I also have quite a lot of hair loss lately leh... so scary!!
Why i just can't stop depressing myself... so many things to stress on.... i wish i can live a better and comfortable life... with just enough struggles.... so my hair will grow nicely and not bald further... i have to make a change to things in my life and surrounding me....

Happy 29th Birthday

Can't believe i m turning 30 next year...

Got my desired "Jewellery Box" and favourite shopping vouchers from my dearest colleagues, a set of accessories (they think i need to dress up more is it??ops.... hahaha) from another colleagues, and ROYCE marshmellow though i thot maybe i would think it be ROYCE as in the car hahahaha.... hmmm i don really fancy chocolates or marshmallow though, but i'll try this as it's the thought that i do not want to waste... also, a simple wristlet from dear hubby, and his simple celebration that i wish to have every year... yoohoooo.... here i m....29...in a new hairstyle + neater look...

deeply thanks and appreciate all the thoughts...

Who Am I...

> mobile phone gadget... think i always change handphones average yearly or 2, love music, sounds etc... so entertain myself with more such stuffs...but ...nuh...not really into girly things...
> sometimes i wonder: I hardly want to spend in manicure or pedi, though it is the norm for ladies now, I don really craze for shopping for shoes, bags or clothes or accessories, earrings, or even diamonds, unless i need something necessary... and so, why isn't he glad enough!??
> I seldom spend time with precious friends, but only rush back home to run the chores and such. I thought i am paying debt this lifetime... what am i doing who am i and why am i born here?!!! For sure, I AM NOT MAID!! All I want is for loved ones around me to be happy and fortunate, and showered with the best things in life that i can give them. I never expect flowers and diamonds from him, but i long for someone (especially the one closest to me) to understand what i have done and hopefully bless me good things in return... All i expected was to just extract a few hours to spend with my friends, meaningfully, to let them know that i still care and that i still treasure their friendship, very much. All that i wanted was a little more love of appreciation, that i have done so much....
> Now i know. No matter how much you have done, it is always NOT ENOUGH. Even if i have to breathe through my last breath with all the utmost efforts i wanna put in, nobody will ever say i have done enough. So why bother so much! Pamper myself, come on!! I know what i have done right, what i have done enough, and what more than enough. So, with the right opportunity at some little points in life, JUST DO IT! Go ahead and do things i feel i should lor!! Since... nobody appreciates my hard work GREATLY, and since i worked so hard...like a maid!! Why do i not deserve some happiness!! Unless i m DEAD, nobody will realise my greatness lor!!! GOODNESS!!!...
> Sometimes, u do your best to let your love ones have the better part, better share of things, but ....what do you get?? sufferings, and more sufferings... bad health, deteriorating health... dark eye rings (not enough sleepsss), boring clothes, simple lifestyle, etc... I feel like... they are STILL asking for more!! They din get contented!!... and, i have been suffering for so long, why should i not deserve some personal hours for me myself and I? hahhaaa...
> Therefore, i have decided that i will do all my best to make up for everything that i can, and therefore also expected to be treated the same way (to myself). And i should be learning to give the same fairness treatment to pple around me, not to have high expectations from them... and... in other words, LET THEM GO! hahhaa.... i think i m used to sticking hard or dependent .... for love and care... yeah, i m a person who cannot lost love, needs love and care and thoughtfulness... haiii.... too sensitive to feelings... how? Can't bear to see pple around me not happy.... will try my best to extend my helping ARMS hahhaa.... and ...this's what i get??

황진이 (Hwang Jin Yi) Craze...

Have been addicted to the music of this Korean drama, and still looking high and low, hoping to find the original soundtrack album of this drama... 황진이 HWANG JIN YI... somehow the music and song strucked me, hard to the blood... this explains my background music for this blog... gosh...anyone found it? If not, i m also interested to know what other songs this singer sung!! Does she sing sad songs like this? Quite nice to hear her sing lor....
Normally, i m quite chooosy about soundtracks, and love to collect soundtracks tht sounds great and production great... worth listening... not those loud fast contemporary music i don like...
Some of Soundtracks that i have kept and love:-

• Heaven & Earth (Kitaro)
• LIPSTICK (jap drama)
• Angel (korean)
• Shine (movie)
• The Myth (Jackie Chan)
• Grand Shanghai
• Butterfly Lovers
• The Road Less Travelled
• Lovers In Paris (Korean)
• Winter Sonata (")
• Stairway to Heaven (")

The Joys of Yellow 29

My memorable birthday with friends in yellow, thanks to all!!
Will always remember all of you... my dearest friends in the oarsome family...
Thanks Ariel, if not for our urging temptations to call for this gathering, just before u move on to US for your studies!! What a wonderful dinner at Ichiban-boshi, though it might have burnt our pockets, but it was really a worthwhile spent, valuable memories indeed. Very touched... been years since i have a touching gathering with real friends of the truly worthwhile. Though going to my house was a call-off, but this was still as meaningful as ever!! Hope everyone around me stay this way forever, and keep one another in mind, no matter where we go in the many growing years ahead....looking back at these pictures, will definitely bring back all our smiles then...

"Popping eyes competition" definitely the cameraman (me) is out lor!!


Babe and me... always sincere and happy... the 3 yellow babes!


What's for a yellow gathering on a friday evening!!?? Smiles and more smiles of joyssss!

Love to share my joy with all of you...

...and love to receive joyful love from all of you too!!!...the "care" bear with the ORANGE scarf and the yellow flower with ORANGE wrapper hahahah!! DAMN KIMZ!

thank U!.... always in my mind...